I used to have an overwhelming job doing technical operations which I responded to my day with fear: What was going to break next?, What deadline might I have to miss?, How was this workload and schedule going to affect my relationships?, How am I going to get all this done?, etc. My desire was for no disasters and perhaps a day that wasn’t leaving me exhausted at the end. My action was to get as much done as possible and prioritize the situation hour by hour or even minute by minute. What a desire for a business of my own? It was too scary. It was too out of my reach because I didn’t know how to get there. It was too big. Add any of your own fears that you may have imagined for yourself.
I finally reached a point where something had to give. I started a meditation practice. That got me feeling into my body. That wasn’t enough because I need there was a deeper desire and a life that I wanted that I didn’t have. How to get out of this situation that was comfortable by routine and salary and uncomfortable in the day-to-day feeling I had? One of my meditation teachers was a desired life coach. One of the practices she suggested was do daily look at my fears, my resentments, my desires, my gratitudes, and figure out to ask for what I wanted and to take action even if that was reading a book or reframing how I responded to my fears. I wanted to find relief and an answer. I found getting the fears and resentments out of my mind, wanting the desire opposite of my fear, and doing some little action left me with relief, hope, and more energy. It eventually led me wanting to pay it forward by helping others in their search for their desired life in work, in relationships, and with themselves through speaking, teaching, and being a master desire coach.
Fear is desire in disguise.
Say you have a fear: Sales are down we may have to cut back.
What is the desire? I would like sales to be up. I don’t want to cut back. I want to expand.
How would having your desire feel? I desire X because I want to feel Y.
What could I do instead? What could we do to increase sales? Change a product, add a new product, partner with another business, find a new way to attract customers, or get an investor, etc.
How would I act? How would I behave towards others? How would I behave towards myself? Who and how would I be if I had my desire?
Fear/Desire/Option/Action
Every time you have a fear. Write down the desire instead. Then write down one small action.
Nancy Coleman. (2020). Desire-Fear Inventory. Retrieved from https://docs.google.com/document/d/1yd4rljSneMOQKp823MqdkvJ63kP0goEut-K8K2fytCY/.
Even looking at what you could do is action. Being curious, feeling it, ask for help, research possibilities. Even if your fear is around a desire. I have a desire for new clients, and I have a fear that people will not buy now. So, you don’t take action. You think your ideas may be criticized, or a waste of time.
When desire arises, fear arises with it. Clear the fear and take the action. Resentment is desire gone awry. Fear is desire in disguise.
Use the energy of fear
We are not to fight the fear but rather use the energy of the fear to move towards that which we desire. It promotes anxious action taking where we listen to what the fear is telling us to do and then take action. The fear then diminishes because it has done its job in reminding us what we want. Use fear for a purpose and to your benefit. Notice its presence and then determine what information it is giving you. Fear seems to point out what is scary or dangerous but if we reframe the fear, we see it as a reminder of the things we want. Fear can be a challenge to go for what you desire. Reframe your fear as a desire for something you want in your life. Take action despite your fear; that is not living in your fear, which would prevent any or very little action. Act on your desires, things you have an interest in or love, or would like to try. The results can come quickly and amazingly.
Stride Wellness. (2017). Reframing Fear into Desire. Retrieved from http://www.stridewellness.org.
The Truth of It All. (2016). Creating Change by Desire and Action. Retrieved from http://thetruthofitall.co.uk
What motivates you – desire or fear? The energy of desire is a powerful motivator and creative force. We must state our desires clearly with the rewards of success in mind. Desire and the energy it creates affect our intentions and actions. Are you moving towards something you want or away from something you don’t want? Fear motivation aims to protect and focuses on avoiding penalties for failure. Desire motivation seeks rewards for success. The way we express our feelings will shape our beliefs, intentions, and actions, often without our awareness. The mind is unable to focus on the reverse of an idea. This is what I don’t want, what I fear can’t focus on what you do want and desire with an action to go towards that desire. Begin to create statements focusing on rewards for moving towards your desire. Then begin though actions even small actions towards your desire. Ask yourself What do I want, exactly? What am I moving toward? Create thoughts and words to move you toward your desires with faith in your talents and potential. Effectively combine positive emotions with desire and action. Think of one of your strongest desires and imagine what its attainment will make possible for you. The deepest desires of your heart will produce the energy to carry you forward to success. Believe that your life can be truly transformed merely by creating possibilities.
Steve Brunkhorst. (2005). What Motivates You – Desire or Fear? Retrieved from http://www.boxingscene.com.
Desire contract
Start with a blank piece of paper, a pen, and the sensations in your body. Put your fear brain, your resistance mind, down for a nap. Then start writing. One hundred desires, no stopping. You will not have to show this to anyone. Write down the things you know you want: big desires, little desires, and everything in between. You are the only one who can choose to let yourself have. Even if just for these ten minutes, give yourself everything the little [one] inside has always wanted. Censor nothing except logic. No, your desires don’t have to be feasible. No, you don’t have to know how to get from here to there. All you need to do is dream.
Now sort them by size. All are true. Valid. Important. Each desire is like a map to a different landscape within you. Hone them, sharpen their impact, cut anything you put on the list so you would look good, so you weren’t asking for too much. Make space for the desires you didn’t include because they would rock the boat too much, wouldn’t be “dignified,” or wouldn’t go over well with your [partner].
Then choose the ones that you really want. I mean the ones that you really want. Ask yourself not, “Can I live the rest of my life without this?” but instead, “Why would I want to?” Desires need to be in the positive and specific.
Then write a desire contract and sign it. Make a commitment to live the life you were intended for. Desires point you in the right direction. The only question: will you follow? Choose 3 BIG desires. List 10 desires that support the 3 big desires.
- You do know. Claim it.
- Make friends with your fear.
- Desire is your compass. Follow it.
- Write a desire contract.
- Functions on inspiration rather than desperation (desire vs. fear)
Deadone, N. (2010). Living the Turned-On® Woman’s Manifesto A Workbook to Ignite Your Life. San Francisco, CA: OneTaste®. (p. 27)
Micro habits and actions: Small Adjustments Lead to Massive Transformations
Behavior doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Each action creates a path that leads to other actions. Which actions or behaviors you perform dictate which actions or behaviors will follow.This is why forming good habits is so important. When you start with good behaviors, more good behaviors will follow.
This idea is grounded in the concept of compounding behaviors and is the essence of Atomic Habits. Atomic habits are small 1% improvements in behavior that, over time, compound into full-blown behavior change and positive habits.
The formula is: “When X occurs, I will do Y” or “At X time, I will do Y.”
“When I have a fear, I will find the desire and a small action to do.”
“At 8 am every workday, I will do an action for one of my desires”
The formula is: “After I do X, I will do Y.”
The formula is: After X [current habit], I will do Y [new habit]. After I do Y, I get to do Z [craved habit].”
“After a fear that stops me, I will write the desire and an action towards that desire. After finding the desire and action, I get to give myself appreciation and gratitude with a sense of accomplishment.”
Whenever you want to change your behavior, you can simply ask yourself:
- How can I make it obvious?
- How can I make it attractive?
- How can I make it easy?
- How can I make it satisfying?
If you have ever wondered, “Why don’t I do what I say I’m going to do? Why don’t I lose the weight or stop smoking or save for retirement or start that side business? Why do I say something is important but never seem to make time for it?” The answers to those questions can be found somewhere in these four questions. The key to creating good habits and breaking bad ones is to understand these fundamental steps and how to alter them to your specifications.
Clear, J. (2017). Atomic Habits.: RANDOM House BUSINESS.
So everyday you can write out your fears, find the desire that you want, and an action you can take. Take that action. Have gratitude, satisfaction, and accomplishment. Do it for 40 days to make the habit stick. Visualize yourself doing the steps you will take to reach your desire can help you to follow-through on those steps when it is time.
When you wake up say 3 things you are grateful for and 3 things you want to do for your desires.
When you go to bed say 3 things that you did for your desires and 3 you are grateful for.
If you are feeling nervous about jumping in, you are not alone. The first few experiences of inventory can feel daunting. It is confronting to look honestly at your fears and desires. We just have an intuitive sense than doing so might result in a 180-degree shift from our current reality, into something completely new.
Maybe so. Maybe not. You will only know if you give it a try. The one piece of comforting new I can offer you is that most everyone I know who has tried daily fear into desire into action practice has experience a sense of relief and relaxation immediately afterwards. Clearing out your fear, making room for desire, taking action, and giving back in gratitude are steps to a saner, happier life.
I hope that you will find each day an adventure into who you really are, and who you want to become. May this practice nourish you as it continues to nourish me, every day.
Desire-Fear Inventory
When desire arises, fear arises with it. Clear the fear and take the action.
“Resentment is a Desire gone awry.” / “Fear is Desire in disguise”
| Desire / Fear | Optionality | Action Taken or √ if complete |
| I have desire for ________, and I have fear that I will / won’t _________ | What I could do instead (Feel it / share with a friend / tell the person / ?) | |
| Example: I have desire for a date w/ ____and I have fear that I will hold back expressing it to him. Example: | Example: Text him and ask him if he would like to get together tonight. Example: | |
* This Inventory is based on concepts from “Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions” by Bill W.